Here’s a little Who madness for you. It’s a bit of a parody of “Journey’s End”, a Season 4 episode, specifically the parts where Davros (creator of the Daleks, slightly insane mutant and rambler extrordinare) basically grills (roasts? toasts? microwaves?) the Doctor about being as bad as he is. Or worse. Anyway, I turned it into a scene where they are really, truly, good mates who get on each other’s nerves a bit. Well, more than a bit. They have fun. Anyway, here it is.
Davros – Now, Doctor, I shall show you your TRUE SELF! You commit genocide A LOT! Most recently, you murdered THE RACNOSS!
Doctor – Oh, now, that doesn’t count…they were going to eat the planet.
Davros – RACNOSS! RACNOSS! RACNOSS!
Doc – Get on with it, will you?
Dav – RACNOSS! RACNOSS! VERVOID!
Doc – Vervoid? That was…forever ago.
Dav – You’re a TIME LORD! You should know EXACTLY HOW LONG!
Doc – Weeeellll…actually…I divide time like this: “forever ago” is any time before the Time War, and everything else is exact.
Dav – Really? So do I. (long pause)
But now on to YOUR NEAR-GENOCIDES!
Doc – Oooh yeah, about that…d’ya think you could do me a favor and put the Daleks last? ‘Cause you know it’ll be better for…dramatic effect. Yeah, that.
Dav – Fine. First: THE TIME LORDS!
Doc – All right, all right…give me a break on them. I mean, first, they’re evil. And second, well, they exiled me on Earth, mindwiped knowledge of the TARDIS, mindwiped my companions, forced me to regenerate, and that was for stealing and being a meddling kid!
Dav – So what?
Doc – Umm, you understand revenge, right?
Dav – REVENGE? MY WHOLE CAREER IS BASED UPON REVENGE! REVENGE FOR THE PAINFUL DAYS ON SKARO, WHEN I LOST IN DODGEBALL EVERY-
Doc – I’ll take that for a yes. Well, I wanted revenge on the Time Lords, simple as that. Also, they kind of wanted to destroy the entire universe if they were destroyed, and Rassilon was a bit cuckoo…
Dav – You would have committed complete genocide, if not for the fact that the Master is FAR TOO SLIPPERY, correct?
Doc – Uh, no. Incorrect. I’m a Time Lord. Getting forgetful in your old age, dear old Davros?
Dav – I simply overlooked that point. On to your CRIMES against HUMANS, then.
Doc – Humans? I like humans just fine!
Dav – (snort) Obviously, Doctor. But what about CASSANDRA, THE LAST HUMAN?
Doc – Aww, she doesn’t count… You know, Davros, the first time I met her I was a bit antsy, because it was my first date, and I didn’t want anything to go wrong. But then there were those creepy spider-thingies, and I hate spiders, so I got a bit scared, and then there was that tree-girl who I sort of had to flirt with, ‘cos I knew she was going to die…and then there were those giant, deadly fans. And everything kind of fell apart.
…and then later it was my second first date, and there were all those zombies and body swaps and cat-people and giant heads and morals and kisses…
Dav – Blimey.
Doc – So really, she doesn’t count.
Dav – Well then, I suppose I shall talk about the TIME LORDS again!
Doc – Again?
Dav – YOU BLEW UP YOUR OWN PLANET!
Doc – It was a bad day. A very bad day.
Dav – Well, it was even a worse day for me! Imagine it, Doctor, all –
Doc – Well, some…
Dav – of your life’s creations cruelly destroyed in a FIERY HORROR!
Doc – I thought we were talking about the Time Lords here.
Dav – Ahh, yes. Them. They regulated time itself, so any end-of-world situation is potentially YOUR FAULT! How do you feel about this?
Doc – Are you the evil ruler of an evil race or my psychiatrist? Really, Davros, sometimes I almost feel like killing you for good.
Dav – Ah, but you’ll never-
Doc – But-
Dav – Do it, because I have you TRAPPED –
Doc – BUT –
Dav – AND I WILL SOON DESTROY REALITY ITSELF!!!
Doc – (breath) But honestly I feel really crappy about it. For a while I was going to name the TARDIS the FARMEU (Failure And Relatively Messing Everything Up) but how do you even say that? Oh, and the psychiatrist thing – I already have a really good one, his name is the Master, have you met him? He “died” recently, but I’m sure he’ll come around. To him, dying is just a little creative hiatus…um, sorry, what were you saying?
Dav – I HAVE YOU TRAPPED AND WILL SOON DESTROY REALITY ITSELF!!!!
Doc – Ah, yes…no! Me? Trapped? In these spotlight thingies? No way. (steps out of spotlight) I just like to stay in the spotlight!*
Dav – Seize him!
Doc – Aww, fine. You done yet?
Dav – No! Now: ON TO THE DALEKS!
Doc – Oh dear.
THREE HOURS LATER…
Doc – ZZZZZZZZZZZ…
Dav – WAKE UP, DOCTOR! Now for Section Two: Our Many Comebacks After Defeat. I expect you to make notes; if not, you’ll get a failing grade…in living! Ha ha ha! Bazinga!**
Doc – Wha? Oh, ah, don’t, er, plunge me…now how am I supposed to make notes with no paper? No, my brain isn’t that superior. Just compared to stupid apes… Oi, no, Nine, get out of there! No cake for you!*** [sigh] Go on, Davros.
SIX HOURS LATER…
Doc – AAAAARGH, DAVROS, GIMME VOGON POETRY ANY DAY!
Dav – How about Dalek poetry?
Doc – No, no, NO, NO! Though, I tried writing poetry once. If you’re interested, it was about…roses…
Dav – Yeah, yeah, yeah. Section Three: Why the Daleks are the universe’s saviors!
Doc – AAAAAAAAAAAHRGH!
THREE HOURS LATER…
Dav – END OF SPEECH.
Doc – …anyone have some celery?
Dav – FROM THIS I CONCLUDE THAT YOU ARE THE CAUSE OF ALL ENTROPY AND ALL EVIL!!!
Doc – And I conclude that you’re just a disfigured old man in a wheelie bin.
Dav – DETONATE THE REALITY BOMB!
Doc – Aww, now, Davros, you can’t do that just for a bit of cheekiness. After twelve hours of lecturing, you can’t exactly blame me…
Dav – You just crossed the line there, Doctor. A comment like that deserves a reward! Besides, I was going to do it anyway…
Doc – Well, I’m sure this isn’t the end, my dear Davros. Do you have any magazines? Vogue, Esquire, Genocidal Mutants Weekly?
Handy – HAI-YA!
Doc – Oh my, what am I doing there?
Mickey – Hey! You stole my line!
Doc – Sorry, Mickey. But ah, a blue coat? That wasn’t in the TARDIS closet…mm, well at least it isn’t a red shirt.**** I wonder where I’m going to buy it.
Handy – Hello there. I’ve come to destroy the Daleks ONCE AND FOR ALL! So if you don’t mind…out of the way.
Doc – [pleasant smile] Hello. Aaand you are?
Handy – Half-human. SO, if you’d excuse me, out of the way…
Doc – Wait, what? WHAT. Oh no. Nooo, nooo, nooo. Did something very traumatic happen to me? I mean, this has happened before, but I sure hope this wasn’t as bad. That certainly was a bad business.***** So, what happened?
Handy – Well, there was an incident with Donna and the hand…
Doc – No! That ol’ thing? I used it for a easy way out already…sorry, I’m afraid I’ll have to drop you off at the next dimension.
Handy – But I have to destroy the Daleks…ONCE AND FOR ALL!!! Why?
Doc – It’s unfair to Davros otherwise. Two of me running around? He’s toast, well, genetically modified , old, not very delicious toast, but toast all the same.
Handy – But I want him to be toast! And the Daleks to be English muffins!
Doc – All right, I’m vetoing this metaphor. Besides, I didn’t finish before – the next dimension with Rose.
Handy – Did you ask her if she wanted to come?
Doc – Of course she wants to come! It’s me! A very violent me, a me on shaky ground morally, but me. She loves me, remember? Or did you catch amnesia like last time I claimed I was half-human?
Handy – Well, all right then. But promise me you’ll destroy the Daleks ONCE AND FOR ALL sometime soon.
Doc – Sounds good to me. Now let’s go before our good friend Davros delivers another speech.
Dav – BUT DON’T YOU WANT TO FOIL ME? I SHALL DESTROY REALITY ITSELF!
Doc – Oh, Davros, you don’t give yourself enough credit for messing up every plan you ever make. I’m sure everything will be fine in the end. Toodle-oo!
[They VWORP away]
Dav – (sniff) I suppose I’ll go and create another evil race of mutants… (sniff)
* “Well, that’s what my psychiatrist said, anyway. Knowing him, though, he probably knew this was going to happen and thought it was a very witty quip. Well, Master, I say ha, ha, ha. You can come back now.”
** Davros probably doesn’t watch that show, but he did watch several Big Bangs. Including the newest version. He reportedly said it was his favorite big bang ever, in a comment on YouTube. Apparently it’s fun watching your greatest enemy blow up. Huh.
*** The Doctor likes cake. I mean really likes cake.
**** “I had one in the TARDIS, actually, for Adric. He, er, never needed it. I myself think that if it hadn’t been the Cybermen, my other companions probably would have killed him, because of those dear, dear pajamas. And I probably would have joined them.
***** “Yes, yes it was. I mean, I was just a nice old slightly sinister motorcycle-riding cool guy, then I stepped out of the TARDIS in San Fransisco and boom! (And no, it’s not like I had this coming or anything…I didn’t have any gang history. Welllllllll, there was my motorcycle-riding career, and my short stint in the infamous “Celeriac” gang, and then later the leather-wearing period, but overall I steer clear of that kind of life.) So I woke up in a hospital with some of the worst examples of the human race operating on me, the most inefficient, ineffective, unattentive people who didn’t even bother to check for a pulse before heading straight off to the morgue (not that it would help if they did check, but still…unattentive). After the rather painful experience of regeneration, I was in a walk-in fridge the morgue people nicely reserved for the bloke who wasn’t quite dead. At a time like this, with way too much hair and a touch of claustrophobia, shocked and awed with maybe just a bit of selective amnesia, it’s easy to understand how a fellow might jump to a few conclusions. “Why have I been on Earth so long? Of course, I must be half-human!” Obviously, there was something wrong with that me, because I immediately fell in love with the same idiotic girl who screwed up the operation. Sometimes I just annoy myself so much. I give new meaning to self-loathing.”