Rumplestiltskin and the 3 babysitters (Story #22)
Once upon a time, (code word for it never happened) Rumpelstiltskin and his sister, Frumpelstiltskin, were in deep trouble. They knew absolutely nothing about caring for babies, and so it was a struggle to have to feed him (the flying cow gave good milk) put diapers on him (there was a kind spider who would gladly make them some diapers) and make him go to sleep. One day, they had a talk.
“I think we should give him a babysitter. ”Rumpelstiltskin said.
“Oh,don’t be silly Rump. Besides, you stole him, so you have to take care of him.”Frumpelstiltskin said.
“Well, what do you want us to do, give the baby to a wolf?”
“Sure! I think he’s their kin, anyway.” They awkwardly look at the baby playing with his toys.
“You’re probably right, but still, it’s my duty.”
Meanwhile, at the board of babysitters….
“Yes,you’re having problems with a client? Turn her into a cidada. She’ll probably chirp less that way.” The Director of the board of babysitters said. The phone rang. The sound rung around the room. Her ringtone was the hit “Mirror, Mirror” by the Evil Queen and her Henchmen. She hummed it aloud.
”Mirror, mirror on the wall,who’s the fairest of them all, I’ll threaten to kill you if it’s not me, and then-you’re a mirror. Oh, I see.”
“Hello? Do you need a babysitter?”There was growling on the other end.
“Do you have a voice problem or something?”More growling. Then,in a dwarfish voice,
“Oh, Fredrick, off the phone. Come, I’ll give you a meatsicle.”Satisfied cooing came out of the phone.
“That’s a good boy. Oh, phew! Rump,get me a spiderweb diaper.”
“Rumpelstilskin. My old enemy.” Now, the director had once been young and beautiful. She was neither now,but when she was, she was the heroine of a old, old, story. It was called”Rumpelstiltskin.”
Sound familiar?What noone knew, though, was that she was a witch. She knew how to spin straw into gold,but she was too lazy to do it. Then this guy came along. Ha! He was an old sap. She just had to give him a baby. Problem was, she didn’t have one. She materialized one. Ooops. It was a wolf cub. Oh well, she thought, I’ll put a human face on it. Then he came back. He said he’d give her a chance. “Aww.” she thought. ”He was being nice.” And she didn’t like nice people.
“Hello, yes, we’ve got the right babysitter.”The Director pulled out her Powdered Evil from her pantry. She sprinkled it in a glass of water.
“Cindy…”Ol’ Cindy will do perfectly. She was already a bit demented-so chirpy!-and all those birds swarming around her!
“The babysitter’s here!”
“What’s with the birds?”
“Oh, those.”She swatted them like flies.
“Uh..come in.” The afternoon was pretty uneventful. She tried to cook the baby 2 times, tried to drop him out the window 4 times, and casually deposited him in the trash once.
“Well, I hate to let you go, but…”
“Ummm..”Contrary to beliefs,Rumpelstiltskin was a nice guy. Sure, he was a bit crazy about the babies. But making straw into gold was tiring. Can you blame him? He just wanted a good dose of cute. Instead, he got a wolf cub and hatred from the head of the Board of Babysitters/most powerful witch in the woods. So it was hard to fire the babysitter.
Thinking of the evilness,he managed to get out “Fire you!” before he broke down. The evil potion was starting to wear off.
“What are you doing?” she snottily said just before it wore off. The birds came back. She said chirpily,“What’s wrong?”
Rumpelstiltskin was befuddled. “Well,” he thought, “she’s even crazier now. This is easy.”
“Well, go off and play with your forest friends.”
“Oh, thank you, sir!”
“What was that?”Frumpelstiltskin said.
“That goth-looking babysitter is skipping across the forest?”
“Maybe she’s a bit bipolar.” There was a rustling in the bushes.
“Director.” said something in the bushes. ”she has failed.”
“Darn! Why couldn’t I have bought the long-term evil? Wait, it was your fault, right, henchman?” the Director said.
“Right. Now, who’s next?” The ringtone started up again.
“Hello?You’d like to apply? You’re 16 years old?We have the perfect job for you. Mwa. Ha. Ha.”The young girl,being perfectly insensible, didn’t notice the evil laughing in the background.
“Like, hiiii! Where’s the little dude?”
“Like, I’m the, like, babysitter! Duh!”
“Oh. Yes. Come in.”
“Like, where’s the, like, TV?”
“Like, you don’t, like, have a, like, TV? Like, not, like, cool.”
“You could look out the window…”
“Like, totally, like, lame. Like, do you, like, have any technology?”
“Uhh..what(he suppressed a urge to say “like”) technology?
“Like, that is so, like, lame. I am so, like, outta here.”
“Report, high and mighty.”A voice said from a tree,”Fail.”
“Ugh!Those teenagers and their technology! Impossible! ” Someone walked in.
“(sigh)Hello,Ms. Zinglehimer. Come right in. ” Suddenly, the Director had an idea. She was an old, old lady with the name Olfro Zinglehimer. She had some problems. She could hardly walk, stumbled all the time and was stuttery. She was a frequent customer and was very annoying.
“Hahaha! I get to get rid of her and annoy Rump to no end!” she thought.
“Hello, I need a-”Olfro said.
“Hello!We have a job for you…”
“We. Have. A. Job. For. You..”
“But………” Olfro walked out the door, and, unfortunately, fell. Director promised to pay the bills if Olfro did a job.
“Oh no. Another one from the old witches’ home.”
“I’m your babysitter.”
“This is the other extreme!” She slipped. Again.You see, another misbegotten fact was that Zinglehimer was a swindler. She tried to get money from “medical bills” to free her granddaughter from a glass palace. She was almost there, but unfortunately she actually fell that time.
A wolf howled from the other side of that very glass palace. Her menacing howl and sharp teeth showed she was ready. She started for the Board of Babysitters. She wanted her cub back, and she wanted it NOW!
Back at the pack, the wolves discussed her decision. Her sister, a chubby one named Fuel (What she apparently always needed) said,
“It was a stupid decision, a dangerous one.” The younger ones chimed in.
“She’s the most powerful witch in the forest..no way she can battle that..”
The old one, named Chacan Agaacah,(wolf for “She’s really old”) said, “Give her a chance. If the Director accidentally made a wolf cub appear instead of a human baby, then she’s not all-powerful.”
The wolf sniffed. She didn’t smell Director, but she smelled her cub. He seemed to be in that little cottage over there. She didn’t want to go in-it smelled of dwarves (not a favorite of wolves), but she would do anything to save her baby.
The Director had had enough. 3 failures were too many for her. She was going to do it herself. It was a long way from the board to the cottage, but she would hone her skills along the way to whup Rumpel. After a while, she saw a pack of wolves. She remembered her past folly. “Uh-oh.” she thought.”Those wolves aren’t going to be happy. ” She decided to simply walk carefully and slowly, and avoid a confrontation.They didn’t look up. Not once did they notice their greatest enemy, within four paces of their camp. As she walked by, she tried to suppress the biggest evil laugh in all evildom. She did very well. Only a single “Mwa.” came out, whispered. But that was enough to set the pack off. The Director abandoned all subtlety, and simply ran for her life.
The wolf was in for a good time. She smelled Director, the pack, and her baby. Oh, how lucky she was. First she’d destroy the Director, then she’d get her wonderful baby and go back to the pack. But maybe she should go in for a quick visit with the baby before Director carnage.
“Rump, what’s that?”
“Sounds like someone tearing our door open… KNOCK, WILL YOU?”
“Oh, I bet it’s another babysitter…”
“Come in. Maybe third time’s the charm.”
It was a wolf.
“Oh, great. Are you a babysitter too?” The wolf figured that was a good way to get a look at her baby. She barked a gruff “Yes.” She ran over to the crib…and had a big shock. She howled as loudly as she could.
“Ahem…Do that outside, please.” She didn’t know what to do! Her baby had a horribly deformed face! All pink and bare! But there was only one person who could have done this…and she already had it coming to her. So the wolf decided to rest up and stay there for a while, regain her strength for the big battle.
The Director had lost the pack in the woods a while ago. And up ahead was that annoying little dwarf’s cottage. She couldn’t wait to transform him and his sister into some kinds of clichéd animals. She opened the door…and there was a wolf who looked rather angry.
The door locked behind them. Sirens went off. A crazily happy voice shouted “IT’S LUDICROUSLY OVER-DRAMATIC BATTLE TIIIIIME!” As Director and the Wolf Mother paced in battle position, Rump and Frump made rather awkward conversation.
“Did you install that?”
“I didn’t! Maybe it was spyware.”
“Well, anyway, who d’ya think’s going to win?”
“I don’t know. They’re taking away our baby either way.”
What no one knew about these two was that they never actually fought the battles themselves. They just recruited other people to do it for them. Neither of them wanted to start fighting first. So they drew it out. For a loooooooong time. Finally it just got so boring that Rump suggested a tie.
“Come on, guys. Nobody wants to watch or read about this “epic battle”. Just…just stop it.”
“Okay then. How about you get the baby, and I get to turn someone into an animal.” The Director said. She knew she was toast if the wolves were still mad at her, so she kindly suggested this compromise.
“But what about meeee?” Rump pleaded.
“How about this; Director, you get to turn someone into a kitten and go back to your evil hideout, but promise never to “barrow” another baby. Wolfie, you get your kid back and go back to the pack, and Rump, you get the kitten.” said Frump, the voice of reason. Everyone nodded assent. The Director turned her into a kitten and slowly started walking back. This obviously wasn’t what Frump had in mind, but she was okay with it.
And they lived happily until the next crisis came up.